The Osirian Myths

Like the Creation Myths, the ancient Egyptians had many different versions of the Osirian Myths. What follows is simply my favorite version of them.

So, when we left off Nut had just had five children: Osiris, Horus the Elder, Set, Isis, and Nephthys.

Now, Set is a very powerful God, and as the God of Chaos and Destruction he is also kind of a dick, and Nephthys doesn’t really care for him. One day, she gets Osiris drunk, disguises herself as Isis, and has sex with him. She gets pregnant (because all divine sex results in pregnancy), and their child is Anubis (God of Embalming and all-around psychopomp).

Set, possibly because of this, or possibly because of something else, decides to kill Osiris (through drowning, usually), rend his body into tiny pieces, and scatter them to the winds. Isis, assisted by her sister Nepthys, finds the pieces of Osiris, all except for his penis, and reassembles him with the help of Anubis. She makes a penis for him out of gold, and then has sex with him to produce their son, Horus.

Isis spends Horus’s childhood hiding him from Set with the help of various other Netjeru, and when he comes of age he challenges Set’s claim to Osiris’s throne.

In order to determine which one of them should succeed Osiris, Ra (Sun God and generally accepted Ruler of Everything) convenes a council of the Netjeru, and Set and Horus have to compete with each other in various ways over the course of 80 years. This competition is its own story entitled the Contendings of Horus and Set. It, also, has many different versions, and some highlights include:

– Ra getting depressed, and Hathor (Goddess of Music and Awesomness) flashing him to cheer him up.

– A boat race.

– Set attempting unwanted sodomy on his nephew.

– Isis jerking off her own son.

– HIPPO FIGHT.

– Horus decapitating Isis.

– Isis seducing Set.

– Set gouging Horus’s eye(s) out.

– Horus castrating Set.

So, a lot happens in it.

In the end Horus clearly wins, but the Council still isn’t sure, so Osiris (who is now the God of the Duat, the ancient Egyptian Underworld) sends them a letter stating that he will open the gates of Hell and send all the demons after them, and they rule in favor of Horus. Thoth (or Hathor) restores Horus’s eye(s) and Set’s testacles, and everyone lives happily ever after.

THE END.

 

A Creation Myth

The ancient Egyptians had many creation myths, and at least three main ones that I can think of, but this is my favorite, and it leads perfectly into the Osirian myths (of which there are also many versions).

In the beginning there was only the Nun. The vast, endless, primordial sea. Out of this sea rose a mound of earth, on which stood Atum, the first Netjer (which is Middle Egyptian for “god”). Atum is also sometimes seen as an aspect of Ra, the Sun God, and I choose to see him this way. Upon achieving existence, Atum produces the next two Netjer by masturbating (or sneezing, or spitting): Shu (God of Air) and Tefnut (Goddess of Moisture). Shu and Tefnut get down, and create Geb (God of Earth), and Nut (Goddess of the night sky).

Now, Nut and Geb are desperate to get it on, but old pappy Shu is not having it, so he gets between them (because the air is between the earth and the stars, see?). In any case, Geb and Nut do end up getting together, and Nut becomes pregnant with five children. Shu, furious at their incestuous depravity, forbids Nut from giving birth on any day of the year.

Enter Thoth. Thoth (ibis-headed God of Writing, Intellect, and Awesomeness), decides to play a game of Senut (ancient Egyptian board game) with Khonsu (God of the Moon), in order to win a portion of the moon’s light. Thoth wins, and with the light creates five extra days at the end of the year (to make our current 365) in which Nut can give birth to her children in this order: Osiris (God of Fertility and King of Mankind), Horus the Elder (falcon-headed God of the Sky), Set (anteater-nosed God of Chaos and Destruction), Isis (Goddess of Awesomeness), and Nephthys (Goddess of Death). Osiris and Isis are married, as are Set and Nephthys.

Next up: The Osirian Myths!